Adult Adoptee’s Messages to Adoptive Parents

Earlier this week, I shared things that adoptees would like to say to their birth mothers.  As moderator of the Facebook page –Adoptees who have found their biological relatives, I ask members to comment on reunion-related questions. Community members share their feelings with insight and honesty.

2953403454_7dd3a9740c_zToday, we look at the opposite end of the adoption coin, with answers to this question-

If you could say one thing about adoption to your adoptive parents (without guilt or censorship) what would it be?

  • “I love you. I’m thankful for the life you afforded me. I wish you’d been able to know me rather than trying to make me the child you’d wished for- who was more like you.”
  • “I wish you’d known how to act like parents. But we loved each other and in the long run you probably did me a solid. You weren’t a good mother. Dinner on the table every night, house so clean it shined, every game/toy that came out and I wanted, check check check. Love, kindness, understanding, acceptance, affection- not so much.”
  • “The one thing I would say to them again, and to ALL adoptive parents (and I am an adoptive mom myself) is ALWAYS be honest with a child about their adoption.”
  • “Thank you for being my mom and dad.”
  • “Thank you for always being open about it and giving me the option to search for my biological parents, and have a relationship with my mom.”
  • “Very simply, Thank you for being there with me every step of the way! Miss them oh so much!”
  • “I am thankful. I hope nowadays adoption is taken more seriously and they do home checks for years. Make sure the child is in a loving environment and not abused! Yes, that means you Catholic Charities!”
  • “You gave me a loving home & opportunities in life I would never have had with my biological mother. I will always love & respect you as my parents! Even more so after having met my biological mother! I now know what a lucky baby I was 45 years ago to be put in your arms!”
  • “Why did you go along with the farce, when there were far more willing and acceptable contestants available? I love you and I wish you could have loved and accepted me. All you left me was a sense of uselessness, hopelessness, lovelessness and death. I feel so sad for you. You don’t even REALIZE what you have missed. Thank you though for all you managed to do. I truly wish you all the very best. Love & Prayers.”
  • “To prospective adoptive parents: When you have a child for a reason, you better make sure that reason never ceases to exist, or it will be hell for that child.”
  • “Why the need for secrecy? You should have felt secure enough to share and be open.”
  • “You should never have adopted, but should have learned to live with your infertility. Saying you “love” an imaginary child who you pretend is your own, while lying to your adoptee about information you have about their real name, and referring to their mother as “that whore” is NOT love.”
  • “I love you both until the end of time. You taught me how to never give up or give in and thank you most for loving me when I was most unlovable or feeling unworthy of love.”
  • “I wish you would have filled in all of the gaps regarding the things I don’t know.
  • “Thanks Mom and Dad for being so forthright and open about my beginnings. You always allowed me the positive memory of my biological mother, Emma. Everything that I am or will ever become is because of your love for me. Now it is my great privilege to “pay it forward.” With love and gratitude, your daughter.”
  • “I love you and I miss you. I wish we had more time together.”
What would you like to say to your adoptive parents?
Leave a reply below.
Blessings for honest adoption conversations & healing,
V.L.
———————————————–
Waving Backwards, a Savannah novel (SYP Publishing)
Imagine not knowing who you are,
until you find yourself in a statue 800-miles from home.

COMING TO A BOOKSTORE NEAR YOU AUGUST 2015
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Uncensored Adoptees Tell Birth Mothers The Truth

As moderator of the Facebook page –Adoptees who have found their biological relatives, I ask members to comment on reunion-related questions. This engaged community shares with gusto and their answers give insight into the many feelings associated with abandonment, adoption and reunion.

adoptionLast week, I asked the following question.

If you could say one thing about adoption to your birth mother (without guilt or censorship) what would it be?

These heartfelt replies are a testament to the pain, healing and resilience of adoptees.

  • You have made me feel like an abortion come to life. You nearly destroyed me when I first found you and every interaction thereafter has been unbearably painful. I believe you are a frozen person, disassociated from your pain and I feel sorry for you that your life is full of lies and secrets and you will not come into the light.”
  • “One thing…..who’s my birth father? ….won’t tell any of us”
  • “I forgive you.”
  • “Just curious as to why you kept the 4 children you had after me. I’m not angry or bitter, just curious.. I’m not asking because I wonder what life would have been like with you either.. I’m curious by nature.”
  • “Without guilt, thank you, and I mean it. Uncensored… you suck, and I mean that too. But I feel guilty about feeling it!”
  • “I have had a wonderful live, but I missed you.”
  • “You used the care system to dispose of me, but I made so much more of my life thanks to my short time in adoption and foster care. Thank you for negating me to your whole entire family, and lying for over 20 years who my father is. I’ve let go of that never and continue to strive to be a better mother woman and human being than you ever could be.”
  • “It would be a question, not a statement. I would ask her if she ever thought about me.”
  • “Thank you for giving me a stable healthy life.”
  • “Thank you for healthfully bringing me into this world. Thank God you didn’t raise me. Why after 42 years do you still hold onto secrets?”
  • “I would tell her that I wish she could have kept me, she wanted to, but was forced to give me up. Sad.”
  • “My first mother and I have talked at length about my adoption and the events that lead up to it. A lot of illegal things were done and she was treated badly. I think the one thing I would say that I am not sure I have is, ‘I’m sorry those things were done to you.'”
  • “You made the best decision ever to put me up for adoption…it was done out of love.”
  • “I’m so glad we found each other, thank you for never giving up.”
  • “I would tell her to seek professional help for the pain she has from losing me at birth, for no other reason than I need my mom. I need that safe place to curl up in her arms, and let all the hurt and pain of the past 45 years out. And then finish healing together. Wishful thinking. I know.”
  • “Why? Why? Why? Why could you have given me to my birth fathers family instead of telling them I died?”
  • “You lied! You also kept a sister after you relinquished me. You hurt me.”
  • “Why would you still hide me from my family after all these years? I have not hid you from anyone in my family but if I did, how would that make YOU feel? I don’t think you realize how hiding my reality (and yours) just reinforces the feelings of being unworthy of acceptance. Still haunts me to this day.”

What would you say?  Share your thoughts in the comments below.
I asked the same question with regard to adoptive parents, and will share those answers this weekend.
Blessings for open, healing adoption dialogue,
V.L.