Adult Adoptee’s Messages to Adoptive Parents

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Earlier this week, I shared things that adoptees would like to say to their birth mothers.  As moderator of the Facebook page –Adoptees who have found their biological relatives, I ask members to comment on reunion-related questions. Community members share their feelings with insight and honesty.

2953403454_7dd3a9740c_zToday, we look at the opposite end of the adoption coin, with answers to this question-

If you could say one thing about adoption to your adoptive parents (without guilt or censorship) what would it be?

  • “I love you. I’m thankful for the life you afforded me. I wish you’d been able to know me rather than trying to make me the child you’d wished for- who was more like you.”
  • “I wish you’d known how to act like parents. But we loved each other and in the long run you probably did me a solid. You weren’t a good mother. Dinner on the table every night, house so clean it shined, every game/toy that came out and I wanted, check check check. Love, kindness, understanding, acceptance, affection- not so much.”
  • “The one thing I would say to them again, and to ALL adoptive parents (and I am an adoptive mom myself) is ALWAYS be honest with a child about their adoption.”
  • “Thank you for being my mom and dad.”
  • “Thank you for always being open about it and giving me the option to search for my biological parents, and have a relationship with my mom.”
  • “Very simply, Thank you for being there with me every step of the way! Miss them oh so much!”
  • “I am thankful. I hope nowadays adoption is taken more seriously and they do home checks for years. Make sure the child is in a loving environment and not abused! Yes, that means you Catholic Charities!”
  • “You gave me a loving home & opportunities in life I would never have had with my biological mother. I will always love & respect you as my parents! Even more so after having met my biological mother! I now know what a lucky baby I was 45 years ago to be put in your arms!”
  • “Why did you go along with the farce, when there were far more willing and acceptable contestants available? I love you and I wish you could have loved and accepted me. All you left me was a sense of uselessness, hopelessness, lovelessness and death. I feel so sad for you. You don’t even REALIZE what you have missed. Thank you though for all you managed to do. I truly wish you all the very best. Love & Prayers.”
  • “To prospective adoptive parents: When you have a child for a reason, you better make sure that reason never ceases to exist, or it will be hell for that child.”
  • “Why the need for secrecy? You should have felt secure enough to share and be open.”
  • “You should never have adopted, but should have learned to live with your infertility. Saying you “love” an imaginary child who you pretend is your own, while lying to your adoptee about information you have about their real name, and referring to their mother as “that whore” is NOT love.”
  • “I love you both until the end of time. You taught me how to never give up or give in and thank you most for loving me when I was most unlovable or feeling unworthy of love.”
  • “I wish you would have filled in all of the gaps regarding the things I don’t know.
  • “Thanks Mom and Dad for being so forthright and open about my beginnings. You always allowed me the positive memory of my biological mother, Emma. Everything that I am or will ever become is because of your love for me. Now it is my great privilege to “pay it forward.” With love and gratitude, your daughter.”
  • “I love you and I miss you. I wish we had more time together.”
What would you like to say to your adoptive parents?
Leave a reply below.
Blessings for honest adoption conversations & healing,
V.L.
———————————————–
Waving Backwards, a Savannah novel (SYP Publishing)
Imagine not knowing who you are,
until you find yourself in a statue 800-miles from home.

COMING TO A BOOKSTORE NEAR YOU AUGUST 2015
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4 responses »

  1. My adoptive parents could not conceive. And I am sorry. I love them, and thank them for being my caregivers. Never the less, my natuaral mother and I were cheated out of knowing each other. This natural parent-child relationship, I hold at a higher value, then when compared to the care given to me by my adopted family. Especially now that I understand the coersion used on my mother to pursuade her to surender me.
    During the era I was born, 1966, public social workers, docs, attorneys, persuaded single pregnant women to surrender their children. These people in positions of power that my natural mother trusted, purposely with held telling her of the public social services available to keep and raise me. I was white, blue-eyed, and blond. Ask me to what degree I trust the word of people in power (social workers, docs, attorneys) as an adult today. This ubiquitous social injustice was purpetrated upon vulnerable persons in 1966 and this still exists today in the adoption industry world wide. Single Moms are targets of the adoption industry, and no one cares.
    From research, The Primal Wound, the evidence remains to be upheld; when an infant is taken away from the natural mother, permanently, the act of human disengageement in implaneted in the brain as normal behavior.
    This act eliminates a persons ability to collaborate.
    Adoptees (and foster care persons) represent the largest demographic group in mental health program in the United States. Still, people just don’t care..Money Rules. Infant-non-kinship adoption brings in a lot of money in domestic and foreign adoptions. When foreign countries don’t want to support single Moms, or don’t want to fund social services, they sell their children under the flowering term of adoption. An orphan should be adopted. But a Real Orphan is rare.
    The world now has millions of adult adoptees, and I for one have become an activists to change state and federal law, making the act of infant-non-kinship adoption illegal in the United States and world-wide. Also, be an activist to create public education policys to strenghten the financial independance of single parent familys. And I will continue to do this forever.

  2. I am an adoptee. I found my birthparents 2years ago and would love to somehow give back by volunteering my time in some way. If you can help with some advice or a contact I would greatly appreciate it!

    Gina Moody

    • If there is anyone out there who is considering adopting, please do not believe or wallow in the negativity expressed by many adoptees. There are those of us who have had brilliant lives and credit our adopted parents 100% with that. Just love your children and be thankful that you have the chance to be a parent – I guarantee your child is just as grateful for having you!

      • Google Joe Soli, adoptee and psychologist to adopted persons. He has written several books on how to heal, and the trauma-survival attachment theory, sold through Amazon.
        You took the perfect first step by learning who you really are and finding your biological family. It doesn’t make any difference why you were surrendered…

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