Uncensored Adoptees Tell Birth Mothers The Truth

As moderator of the Facebook page –Adoptees who have found their biological relatives, I ask members to comment on reunion-related questions. This engaged community shares with gusto and their answers give insight into the many feelings associated with abandonment, adoption and reunion.

adoptionLast week, I asked the following question.

If you could say one thing about adoption to your birth mother (without guilt or censorship) what would it be?

These heartfelt replies are a testament to the pain, healing and resilience of adoptees.

  • You have made me feel like an abortion come to life. You nearly destroyed me when I first found you and every interaction thereafter has been unbearably painful. I believe you are a frozen person, disassociated from your pain and I feel sorry for you that your life is full of lies and secrets and you will not come into the light.”
  • “One thing…..who’s my birth father? ….won’t tell any of us”
  • “I forgive you.”
  • “Just curious as to why you kept the 4 children you had after me. I’m not angry or bitter, just curious.. I’m not asking because I wonder what life would have been like with you either.. I’m curious by nature.”
  • “Without guilt, thank you, and I mean it. Uncensored… you suck, and I mean that too. But I feel guilty about feeling it!”
  • “I have had a wonderful live, but I missed you.”
  • “You used the care system to dispose of me, but I made so much more of my life thanks to my short time in adoption and foster care. Thank you for negating me to your whole entire family, and lying for over 20 years who my father is. I’ve let go of that never and continue to strive to be a better mother woman and human being than you ever could be.”
  • “It would be a question, not a statement. I would ask her if she ever thought about me.”
  • “Thank you for giving me a stable healthy life.”
  • “Thank you for healthfully bringing me into this world. Thank God you didn’t raise me. Why after 42 years do you still hold onto secrets?”
  • “I would tell her that I wish she could have kept me, she wanted to, but was forced to give me up. Sad.”
  • “My first mother and I have talked at length about my adoption and the events that lead up to it. A lot of illegal things were done and she was treated badly. I think the one thing I would say that I am not sure I have is, ‘I’m sorry those things were done to you.'”
  • “You made the best decision ever to put me up for adoption…it was done out of love.”
  • “I’m so glad we found each other, thank you for never giving up.”
  • “I would tell her to seek professional help for the pain she has from losing me at birth, for no other reason than I need my mom. I need that safe place to curl up in her arms, and let all the hurt and pain of the past 45 years out. And then finish healing together. Wishful thinking. I know.”
  • “Why? Why? Why? Why could you have given me to my birth fathers family instead of telling them I died?”
  • “You lied! You also kept a sister after you relinquished me. You hurt me.”
  • “Why would you still hide me from my family after all these years? I have not hid you from anyone in my family but if I did, how would that make YOU feel? I don’t think you realize how hiding my reality (and yours) just reinforces the feelings of being unworthy of acceptance. Still haunts me to this day.”

What would you say?  Share your thoughts in the comments below.
I asked the same question with regard to adoptive parents, and will share those answers this weekend.
Blessings for open, healing adoption dialogue,
V.L.

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15 thoughts on “Uncensored Adoptees Tell Birth Mothers The Truth

  1. If I ever find her, I’d just say “I love you and rest in peace.” 🙂 If they lied to me and she didn’t die when I was baby, I wonder if she’d look for me if they told her I died.

  2. I know this site is for adoptees, and I am not one, but I am a natural mother, and all these comments are directed at me in one way or another. I appreciate the honesty, understand the anger, and am terribly sorry for every mother and child separated by adoption. My son, now 47, and I have been in reunion for three years, since I found him with the help of a Search Angel. I have thought about him every day of his life and regret so much. Thankfully, we have a loving relationship now, but our lost years can never be recovered. I simply cannot understand any mother who would continue to reject her child and perpetuate the hurt. One comment was how the now-adult adoptee yearned for a mother to hold and comfort her. If a mother’s embrace could guarantee happiness, all my children would be content forever. It must be a terrible thing to feel like you’re a “dirty little secret” to the very people who should love and protect you. My son has never blamed me, and everyone I know assures me that I shouldn’t feel guilty, but I am guilty, and I will never forgive myself. Some wounds never heal, and adoption, I believe, is one. I have my son back in my life, and for that I am profoundly grateful, but the sense of loss remains.

  3. Mom, I am very happy that you gave so much information to the adoption agency. I don’t know if you did that for me or because you thought you had too, but I am so glad that I have it. Because little did I know, it was all I was ever going to get. The search coordinator called to tell you that I wanted to meet you and you rejected me for a second time, because you couldn’t go through that painful time again. Seriously, your grown up child (49) with two granddaughters to share with you, wants to meet you for the first time and you can’t handle it. My mentally ill adoptive mom cared more about me then that. Now I have no parents, my adoptive parents both died and you refuse to see me and I don’t even know if my birth father knows you carried me to give me up. My two daughters are the only blood relatives I have and know. Sad

    Dawna Watts from Kansas

    • Dawna, I’m so sorry. I’m a “birth” mother myself and found my 47 yr. old son three years ago. It’s wonderful to have him back in my life, but the pain of adoption and the years of loss are still there. You may have an idealized version of what you would like to happen, but even if you did meet your mother, I’m pretty sure the reality would be rather different. I’m sorry she’s rejecting you; it makes me angry too. How can a mother reject her child a second time? It seems unnatural. But meeting her won’t fix you, and you may be better off as you are now. If I could, I would bring all the lost children and their mothers together for a grand, loving reunion. Sadly life is more a matter of loose ends than happy endings. I’m learning (slowly and with difficulty sometimes) that good enough, happy enough, is–well–enough. Perhaps she will eventually change her mind, but you can’t let your peace of mind depend on that.

      • Pam,
        Thank you for your imput. It really helps to have a point of view from a birth mother. I wasn’t expecting a happy ending, I realized that might have never happened. i just wanted to know who I came from and to let her know that I wasn’t angry with her for giving me up no matter the reason. Although I could have been one of those angry adoptees since my adoptive father died when I was 8 and my mother slowly because mentally ill again years later and my teenage and early adult life were horrible. It wasn’t my adoptive mom’s fault either, but at least she showed me all the love she could function to. My birth mom said she was too old (72) to deal with the pain again, had never told a sole and still refuses too, even though she knows what the sex of her baby actually was and that I want to meet her.

        • I honestly don’t think 72 is too old. I’m 69 and staring 70 in the face, and I sure don’t feel old. Appearance may tell a different story, but inside I’m as young as I ever was. I think it’s a real shame your mother has kept this bottled up inside for all these years. I know another adoptee (good friend of my daughter) whose mother is the same–doesn’t want anyone to know, even though her husband, who would have been disapproving, is dead. You can’t force reunion on someone though. I actually, believe it or not, feel more sorry for your mother than for you. It’s apples and oranges really. There’s pain on both sides. It would help your mother heal if she were to have a relationship with you, I feel sure. I wish she could find a support group. That’s what’s helped me so very much. Just knowing you’re not alone is huge. I wish you the best, now and in the future.

  4. Oh Momma, how could you walk away from me? And now, after I found you you call me abusive. All I’ve ever wanted is you. i have 4 children, and you don’t care about them at all. You love your son, and his son. Why am i so much less?

  5. After meeting her, I told myself: “Now I understand why.”–anything else was unnecessary. Her presence left me beyond words. It was sublime and changed me forever. Nothing more to be said.

  6. I had the search lady contact my birth mom a second time, 2 weeks after the initial call and she had not even given that all a second thought. Really, 48 years just out of the blue you get a call from a stranger telling you, the baby you gave up wants to meet you and you can just forget about it a second time? Even after all the memories and pain came flooding back. She allowed the search lady to read the letter I wrote her and she cried the entire time saying she felt so sorry for me since I had a terrible childhood and early adult life and knew I wasn’t blaming or mad at her and that this was something I just really needed, but still refused. She had apparently blocked the entire thing out of her head all these years and never told a soul. She wasn’t young (like 16) she was 24 but had been raised by an over bearing aunt since she lost both her parents as a child and had never made a decision in her life. When she got pregnant, my father who was 20 just got stationed in New York, getting ready to go to the Vietnam War and he decided he didn’t want anything a baby right now. So I’m not even sure he knows that she carried me or that she gave me away. She and her husband and have one boy and one girl, my half siblings and the way she talks about him, he is very over bearing and she does exactly what he says. No cell phones, computers, or pictures of herself, it is like she is living under a rock. I think she is afraid of him and since she never told him about being pregnant, she is too scared to tell him now. I think if he loves her this shouldn’t effect badly and it happened before she even knew him, I think. She thinks I should just forget about her because she is too old. I just don’t understand why she would give so much information to the adoption agency if she didn’t want to meet me some day or want me to know so much. Apparently my birth father has 11 brothers and sisters, WOW!! I Have so many relatives out there which is sad, because the only ones I have right now are basically my two daughters and my husbands family, :(. The thing I hate most is how society and families treated girls who got pregnant back then (60’s, 70’s). Like they were dirty sluts and had embarrassed the world and it was never the guy’s fault. Why would you ever make someone feel ashamed for bringing a baby into the world? Babies are a precious gift, not a disease and then not even give them a choice or the right to keep their child, their child!!, after it was born. It is their baby, not everyone else’s to do with as they choose. Adoption can be a great thing for some babies, but it’s not great for everyone. I am living proof of that, like so many others. I mean it’s one thing to love the people who raise you, but they are not your parents, no matter how great they are. They can come pretty close for some people, but I didn’t have that. There is just always going to be this hole because you don’t totally fit in and know nothing about who really are or who you are supposed to be.

    • You describe so well the feelings I’m sure many adoptees have. I hope you will post this far and wide so people who are badly informed about adoption are forced to think about it. As for your mother, I’m sorry she won’t meet you, but the way you describe her I’m not surprised. Sounds like she’s been controlled by others her entire life, and I’m pretty sure her husband would never understand, let alone be sympathetic. My first husband did know about my first son, but he was exceedingly sensitive on the subject and it was a taboo subject between us. I held onto my secret for 44 years and told only a couple of very close friends. Now I’ll tell the world: I had a baby in 1968 and gave him up for adoption. Not a day went by that I didn’t think about him, never dreaming I’d ever see him again. I decided to search for him and found him the day after his 44th birthday. I’ve been divorced from my first husband, the one who rejected my son, for many years, and my current husband is understanding, so I guess you could say my story has a happy ending, but reunion is not without its difficulties, even when both parties are willing and eager. I hope you will comfort yourself with the information you have gained and can understand that your mother’s spirit was crushed long ago. That doesn’t mean she doesn’t love you.

  7. I am 43 years old and it took a movie “October Baby”, to realize what I have been feeling all my life, especially as a child but couldn’t express it because I didn’t understand. Now I know, the one person who is suppose to want me, doesn’t want me.

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